When dealing with the heart muscle, are there some cramps we can never work out?

My vacation from school had started out with a slumber rather than a bang. For forty-eight hours I had forgone the trappings of designer chic for comfortable pajamas, turned off my phone, survived on homemade macaroni and cheese and the food network. A note, eating while watching the food network is almost as thrilling as having sex while watching porn. My hibernation ended Saturday, but instead of regretting the missed opportunities, I felt refreshed.
Meanwhile, across town a bridal shower was being attended, sparsely, to say the least. Is it a sad testament to friendships forgotten or pushed aside for more important things or the increasing divide that separates those of us that feel the need to get married as soon as possible and those of us willing to try it alone and find ourselves first. One shower attendee with an ongoing engagement sat and pondered if her shower would have an equally dismal showing of support when she finally set a date. Breanne wasn’t sure if her friends would be equally ambivalent to her excitement over her wedding, or was it just the weather that had rained on this bridal parade?
Further north up the interstate another type of party was well underway. The day had come, graduation day. Martin’s mother was busy hosting, as she tends to do, while others were gleefully imbibing in the bounty of free champagne and cocktails. Martin was happy and he deserved to be, he was finished with one chapter of his life and a whole other was forming. So many outlines that could be followed; teaching, starting a life with Sara, taking on the role of father to the child that was already his in his mind, if not his genes. Would he go to optometry school like we had discussed? I could tell that the alcohol was slowly allowing many of these thoughts to drift from his mind, just as all of those square hats had drifted down from the rafters earlier in the day.
As Saturdays during the holiday season tend to do, one party slowly gave way to another and I found myself facing a most uncertain one. Don’t get me wrong I love seeing old friends as much as anyone but unfortunately some old friends come with baggage. The hosts had neither the etiquette to properly introduce people and cultivate conversation, nor provide beverages and finger foods. Had I become jaded, or was I just in my lack of enthusiasm for a party in which people were told, well past nine, that they were expected to bring their own refreshments. Maybe it’s me, but unlike some who wax sophomorically about their days lived out in a pot clouded room, I am no longer enticed. So I don’t know if it was me, or the purple haze, but I just wasn’t feeling up to par and I certainly wasn’t surfing the crest of this party’s wave.
Grasping for some excuse, any excuse to get out, I agreed to take Richard to retrieve his wallet. The thought of riding for six blocks alone in a car with Richard was not my idea of a good time either but it would certainly ease the weight of the “party” on my shoulders. Richard and I have a history, a rather long history. Ours is one of those things that goes back to the days when high school crushes never got as far as you wanted, leaving you heart broke and lonesome only to be picked up again some years later, when you find yourselves living together after having lost touch for awhile, realizing how completely different you are and the thought of ever wanting to take the relationship beyond acquaintances still boggles the mind. Richard and I parted on less than perfect terms, both refusing to take the high road, each being petty and childish in our own ways. We haven’t really spoken more than hellos since I moved out which is why I was taken aback when he told me that he had his first kiss, with another boy. Not to sound overwhelmingly jaded, but in today’s world a twenty five year old sharing a kiss with someone of the same sex hardly counts as front-page news.
I suppose I was bothered by several things, the first being why me, the second, why not me. Why did he choose to tell me this? I didn’t need to hear it. Was he searching for some sort of validation? Did he expect me to produce some sort of gold sticker to commemorate this moment? I was further put off by the thought of, why not me. What was wrong with me? When we were in high school and he flirted with me endlessly was there something that I could have done that would have made him make that exploratory leap? Was this confessions some sort of apology for that night years later in the apartment we shared when I had too much wine and too strong a libido and he rejected me forcefully and degradingly? Why him, why now? I needed time, I needed space to sort through it all and figure out why the voice of a lonely sophomore fresh out of the closet was ringing through my head. I didn’t have time, nor space, so I simply moved the conversation along. Richard was telling me his thoughts on the evolution of sexuality, how he believed the day would come when gender wouldn’t matter and it would be a deeper attraction that brought us to physical love with another. I concurred, remembering all the times he told me how much he liked me, he just didn’t fool around with guys. I would have given anything for a patch of ice to send us headlong into oncoming traffic, anything to end this conversation. We were on our way back to the party when the notion hit me, was this some sort of come on? Was Richard trying to win back my affections all this time later? While the party we returned to was unchanged by time, at least I had something to think about.
When I thought I could handle no more, the governor made the call, as it were, and the party was over for the night or so I thought. I drove back to Richards, Vicki and Barbara in tow. The streets were getting worse and fog had set in, Richard invited me up and I knew I had to make a decision. Face the elements and drive home, or wait until morning with the possibility of living out a fantasy in between. We talked for several hours, it was decided I would stay. I couldn’t help but wonder where things would end up come dawn? I couldn’t help but wonder if some things are better left to chance. If we act on impulse will it always let us down if that is the precedent? I decided to leave it up in the air.
I woke up in Richard’s bed. The air in the room was crisp against my nose but I was warm under the covers. I quietly got up and slipped on my clothes from the night before that were left in a pile on the floor. I stopped in the living room to try to make myself look like I hadn’t just gotten out of bed but it was of little use, whoever would sell me coffee on the way home would know that I had yet to return from the previous night. Taking one last look around I was happy to see Richard lying on the couch, where he had spent the entire night. Walking down the stairs in the cold gray of December mornings I thought to myself, maybe love from the past never really goes away? Perhaps the wounds will always be there, the marks and scars of heartbreak and love lost, like the puddles of melting ice on the sidewalk, just waiting for the temperature to drop so they can knock us off our feet once again.

 
some quotes, if you will

"Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs."

"You better be good to me, That's how its gotta be"

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies
I say, It's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips. I am woman [gay man] Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman [gay man], That's me."

with a little personalization

kisses all

 
Party BizarreWell, the new home is turning out nicely, the move was difficult as they always are, but it’s almost complete and the unpacking has begun. Everyday I get a little more accomplished but it’s difficult with work and school. Speaking of which, I’m enjoying class more and more each week. I feel challenged, I feel like I’m accomplishing things and that makes life more enjoyable. Work is becoming a bother rather than a joy. I used to enjoy my time at the library, helping people access information and acquire new knowledge used to be so satisfying to me, however, lately it’s so routine, so dull that I need a new outlet. I think I’ve all but sealed the deal with Mickey mantles and sure being a host will not be terribly exciting but it will be some extra cash.
I went to a party on Saturday night and I wish now I hadn’t. Joy was not to be had. I was thrilled to see the Duncan girls. It seems like so much time tends to pass between our encounters but every time we pick up where we left off and roll on from there. It’s sweet really, sweet and enduring. On the other hand parties tend to bring out the good and the bad in people. People you once thought promising and full of human potential show true colors and turn out to be nothing more the leach like death eaters, sucking out the life and joy in others because of their inability to experience and fulfill their own life. It’s sad really but I cannot save the world, I just keep on surviving.

 
So long since a post and actually little time to do it now! I promise friends and lovers, a full up to date, blow by blow of the past several days.
Oh, so much has happened!

 
In the sweet by and by

Well, I did something this weekend that I thought I would never do, I sat and witnessed the marriage of the very first person I ever thought I was in love with. It was a very pretty ceremony and in hindsight I am happy for the couple. As I said to them that night, best wishes and much love. The reception and following party was fun and over indulgent. So very very much alcohol. So much that I ended up telling a former high school teacher of my crush on him in my younger HHS days. He was flattered. He's not as cute as he used to be though. I guess a wife and two kids will do that to you.

I spent the weekend at, lets call him J. for all intents and purposes, I will say it again, I have never been in a filthier house. I know that I'm a little too anal about cleanliness sometimes but you have to admit there is a line that can be crossed from messy/dirty right into gross. I think that line may have been crossed. Alas, I survived. I went to a swell party Saturday night and ran into a lot of really great people I haven't seen in ages. I'll take this moment to send hella-love to my Duncan Girls as I've missed you so and I hope for many more adventures this semester as we have had the past couple of years since our paths originally crossed at the corner of harold and plaid.
To the senator, whom I am sure will never in a million find himself on this page; I wonder what type of misinformation you received about me and from which particular person. To hear from you, don't get me wrong it was lovely to see you, but you were making it seem like I've been off having some sort of mental break down for the past year. Curious indeed, I wonder what others could possibly be thinking, what sort of misconceptions may exist out there, floating around casting impressions about me that might not be true.
Speaking of J. again, I think the initial influx of intrigue is slowly starting to wane. I still find him to be a nice, interesting, goofy guy, but I think we really are looking for different things or so it would seem. From what he says I think he's not looking for a real relationship and I am. I think I've reached a point in my life right now where I would like to settle in and really face the challenge of sharing my life with someone for a while, I think I'm ready to challenge myself to be with someone and not automatically start building walls and barriers. I want to learn to trust myself to open up and trust others to do the same. I don't want a fuck buddy or a fling or even really a friend with benefits, of course, this may all change tomorrow.

I LOVE school this semester, granted it's only the second week but I think I'm really going to like UCO and I think I'm going to do some important things there, or else, have a lot of fun trying.

 
crazy black outs. Fortunately the lights are still on here in the land of the red man. Today has not been a total loss even thought I sit here at work staring at an empty room, each monitor like a big black eye staring back at me. Pho for lunch today was more tasty than mere words can describe, it really hits the spot if you know what I mean.
I don't know what it is buy I have been having the craziest, zaniest dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that I ran into tori amos at my local video store and when they wouldn't let me rent I asked her if she would mind checking out my video for me. I was trying to rent dancer in the dark and she looked at it and rolled her eyes making some breathy noise and said no, when I asked why she got all bitchy on me and we started fighting and I was screaming at her as she sped off in a mustang while flipping me the bird. This was very very upsetting, as I dearly love the petite flame haired songstress!

 
Dancing In The Purple Rain

A lovely weekend indeed, two people I care deeply for returned home from an overseas adventure safely and happy. A run in with an old friend/foe turned out to not be as terrible as I had expected, of course no words or glances were exchanged so we might as well not even have been in the same physical location which is perfectly fine with me. Much drinking, WAY TOO MUCH DRINKING, my body is still recovering all these hours later, my head aches and my tummy feels like mush, I need more sleep and perhaps some chicken soup, in the future a little self control wouldn't hurt much either. The best thing about the weekend was that two nights in a row I wasn't sleeping single in a double bed, as the song goes, and it was wonderful, while physical intimacy was kept to a minimal I was very happy, even if I did turn into a vodka fueled, babs quoting, potter talkin, bitchy, nelly queen. Hey, it happens sometimes, that's just me. Love and kisses to all.